get behind me, satan
/The sky has been heavy and gray these last few days, and my heart has felt the same. There are days when I feel emotionally the way I imagine it must feel to physically drown: terribly alone, helpless, panicked, being swallowed by a great murky deep that undoubtedly hides all kinds of monsters in its depths.
There are days when the happiest half hour is my walk down the street in the rain, or when fifteen minutes of HIIT exercise seems to consume twenty-four hours' worth of energy all at once; then there are days when I am blessed with a friend or a good conversation or a conviction from God, and the dark world seems hopeful again.
Today was one of the hardest and bleakest. I've had bad dreams lately, dreams that reflect the conflict inside my soul, and I really had no heart to lace up my tennis shoes when I got up. I forced myself to do it anyway - forced myself to wrestle with God, which is always the real purpose behind my morning walks.
And today while I walked, I felt like Eve, standing before the Forbidden Tree, admiring the beautiful fruit and listening to the smooth-selling encouragement of the Serpent, ready to demand of God how He dare hold out on me.
I felt like David, dreaming of the beautiful Temple I wanted to build for Yahweh, which even my highest spiritual mentors believed was a brilliant idea - only to be told that the privilege of that glorious purpose was reserved for someone else.
Why do I get this fruit but not that fruit? Why can't I have a glorious purpose too? Do You just delight in thwarting me, God? Are you even really good?
Then God responded, as He always does, with reminders of the truth.
Eve had everything she could possibly need or want - paradise, perfection, a perfect walk with God, and a flawless marriage with a perfect man - yet she thought she deserved something more. Her distrust in God's plan and provision was her demise, and the fall of the whole human race. (Genesis 3)
David wanted only to do something big for his God - yet God was more interested in building His servant into a man after His own heart than in the greatness David might achieve on His behalf. David's humble obedience to God's wish opened his life and descendants to eternal blessing. (2 Samuel 7)
And Jesus, when confronted by the temptation to seek an apparently loftier calling than the one God intended - when informed by Peter that to die and rise again was too modest a destiny for the Son of God - answered back, "Get behind Me, Satan!" (Matthew 16)
I have been in all three places. I have listened to the voice that tells me God has refused to give me something I deserve. I have listened to the voice that says the plans of my heart are good, when they actually hinder God's. I have listened to the voice that tempts me into believing my calling is too low to matter, too small to achieve anything of worth.
And I am beginning to learn that though the voices sound different, though they come from a lot of different places and sometimes mean well, in the end the source is the same.
