as for me and my house

It’s finally quiet. Clara has been crying for the last hour (and I don’t mean cute whimpering like other babies do—from birth Clara’s only two tones of voice have consisted of “happy as a clam” and “bloody murder mad”)—a mix of pent-up separation anxiety and the exhaustion of learning to say new words and just being alive. She was an absolute delight all day long, smiling and laughing and practicing “Mama” and even venturing into different rooms of the house without me. I guess at bedtime it all caught up to her.

I can relate.

It’s been a beautiful summer so far. I love watching Clara’s fascination with the smallest of things. She loves floating on the lake and visiting Grama and Papa and Auntie Amy and having playdates with Auntie Hannah and barbecues with her little cousins. We go yardsaling on the weekends and spend Saturday evenings with some friends from church, talking about things that matter. It’s so lovely and there’s so much joy.

But somehow it always catches up to me—the sense of dread and not-good-enough, the little nagging negativities of scrolling through social media and reading the news that pile up and up and up, until I hate everything and everyone and myself most of all. It makes me feel lost, far from God somehow, wondering with Ecclesiastical doom what the point of anything is. Church is complicated, politics are confusing, culture is a disaster, and I just want to be a recluse for the rest of my life so I can ignore it all.

Unfortunately for me and my selfish nature, that’s not very Christlike.

But what is Christlike? This question has kept me up at night—knowing that there are believers who consider it most Christlike to live in holy seclusion from the world in the name of testimony; there are believers who consider it most Christlike to be as much like the world as possible in the name of outreach; there are believers who consider it most Christlike to vote red; there are believers who consider it most Christlike to vote blue; and any number of other extremes, plus whatever lies in between.

There is one thing that has been a helpful north star for me in the last few months as I navigate this madness: the reality of the Kingdom.

I first wrote about the Kingdom of Heaven and its gospel months ago now, and I had no idea at the time what a common thread that concept would become in my walk with God. Everything points me back to it. Jesus began His ministry saying “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near”—because He was near, and He is king, crowned by a wreath of thorns on the cross, and resurrected from the dead because nothing in that Kingdom obeys carnal laws. And if Jesus is King, then what He doesn’t need is me to find the solution to the world’s conflicts or to defend Him on social media or to grace Him with my extraordinary talents. He just asks for my allegiance.

al·le·giance /əˈlējəns/ (noun)

loyalty or commitment of a subordinate to a superior or of an individual to a group or cause.

Loyalty and commitment to my Superior and His cause.

It’s the cause that asks me to love my neighbor as I would show love to myself. To not only forgive, but love and pray for the people who are against me—even the people who hate me. To do for others as I would want them to do for me.

Jesus is the King of an upside-down Kingdom, where it’s the poor and the persecuted and the meek and the mourning who are most blessed, and it’s the rich and the revered and the proud who are most to be pitied. Allegiance to this Kingdom takes unlearning of natural, carnal instincts and adopting of a new way to see, hear, think, be.

Why do we despair when politics and culture celebrate the carnal instead of the Kingdom? Of course they do! It is our job, not theirs, to live as citizens of the Kingdom—until they are ready to join us and declare allegiance to the one true King. Ignoring it all isn’t the answer, but neither is despairing over it. We are “longing for a better country—a heavenly one” (Hebrews 11:16 NIV) and we must “live as citizens of heaven, conducting yourselves in a manner worthy of the Good News about Christ” (Philippians 1:27 NLT).

This is not an easy task. Many will certainly fall away under the pressure of the world and its temptations—many will cast aside their allegiance to the Kingdom of Heaven in favor of allegiance to the rulers of the world. But what a gracious God we serve, who doesn’t write off anyone, but desires all to return to trust in Him (Ezekiel 18:23), and gives each and every one of us an open invitation to make that choice!

Now, therefore, fear the LORD and serve Him in sincerity and truth; cast aside the gods your fathers served beyond the Euphrates and in Egypt, and serve the LORD. But if it is unpleasing in your sight to serve the LORD, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living. As for me and my house, we will serve the LORD!

Joshua 24:14-15