these are the days: february

These are the days of sunlight, at last, streaming through the windows in the morning—after eighty days, some estimated, without the sun showing its face here. Until you’ve lived through eighty days without the sun I don’t think you can fathom how suffocating and dire the world becomes, nor how life-giving and joyful the privilege of sun on skin really is. The first week of February, when it finally came out from behind the gray blanket of clouds, I wanted to cry from pure relief, and I haven’t taken a minute of it for granted since. There is nothing so important that it can’t wait for a few hours while I sit outside in the sun.

These are the days of waiting eagerly for more flowers to pop up—my crocuses are in full swing, and the hyacinths and daffodils are close on their heels. I feel starved for every bit of color and light and joy the world can spare me and if I thought that sleeping in the garden next to my plants would make them grow faster, I’d do it. Every leaf that emerges is hope.

And especially, these are days of quiet. Even inside my mind, which is usually buzzing with new ideas or goals or processes, it is quiet—because nothing else seems reverent. I wish we still followed the old customs of mourning, in some ways, because the plunge back into life the day after a death seems not only horrifically inappropriate but exhausting beyond description. So many days I’ve wished I could respond to a call or a text or an appointment or a reminder with “Sorry—in mourning until further notice.” As much as life must stubbornly go on, it feels like something somewhere must cease, because a life that shaped my entire world is gone.

Suggested Thinking

• Psalm 91

• Endless Hallelujah by Matt Redman

top 20 events of the decade

I have to confess how much I LOVE brand new years. I absolutely hate New Year’s Eve, because I don’t like goodbyes and endings and changes, but once the calendar rolls over, I feel like a kid leaping into a yard of fresh-fallen snow. The effect is doubled this year because it’s not only a new year, but a new decade as well.

I also love lists. Possibly to a fault. We have a Sunday cleaning list at my work, and to the annoyance of my supervisors, I’ve been known to forsake all other duties and ignore all other interruptions to get the boxes checked off.

Looking out into this crisp-clean new year, I see a blank canvas that’s just waiting to hold all my lists. To do lists, blog idea lists, goal lists, lists of my favorite words, lists of Bible readings… I can make pretty much anything into a list. And so I’m kicking off the year with a list I’ve been waiting with baited breath to create: the 20 most influential moments and events of my life in the past decade.

The last time a new decade commenced, I was not quite 16 years old. Looking back from that point, I could see little more than a succession of childhood years. Perhaps this is one of the delights of getting older: When I look back this time, there are more changes, yes, and more heartaches and difficulties, but there is also a clearer view of God’s hand and guidance over every moment.

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My top 20 life events of the past decade

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1. Started my first blog (March 2010)

Internet accessibility was skyrocketing and digital camera prices were plummeting and blogging was in its heyday at the beginning of the last decade—the same perfect convergence of factors that drew countless others into blogging persuaded me, as well. I started with a free Blogger site to share a lot of photos and join a lot of linkups, but over time, blogging became a way to share my life with distant friends, a source of solace, a processing mechanism, and ultimately, a venue to share what I was learning at Bible school. I don’t think I’d have this blog today if I didn’t have that blog then.

2. Took Mrs. KRuse’s AP English Class (2010-2011)

Everything about going to public high school for the very first time after being exclusively homeschooled changed my life in some way, but Mrs. Kruse’s AP English class has had an effect that reached further than I ever could have imagined. All those hours poring over Shakespeare and London and Joyce, trying to discern the literary clues and hammering out persuasive essays in 54 minutes or less, have actually become skills I heavily rely on in my study of the Bible. More and more as the years go by I am learning what a literary masterpiece the Bible is, on top of being God’s living Word, and so it has made an incredible difference to know how to think critically, examine carefully, and respond creatively.

3. Went to the Grace Brethren District Conference in Surrey, B.C. (March 2011)

This was the first time I had ever left the United States, but the real reason it makes the list is because I heard an in-depth teaching on Psalm 23 and met a man named Dr. Randall D. Smith. I didn’t know it at the time, but this event was one of those that marks a division in time, a shift in the entire course of my life. I learned about Great Commission Bible Institute that day, and I immediately resolved to apply for admission. I was so hungry to learn the Word of God, and thus began my quest to be filled—a quest that, by the grace of God, has never ended since.

4. Got unlimited texting with my cell service plan (November 2011)

This may seem like a small thing, but unlimited texting might very well be the primary reason I married the person I married, and therefore would be a foundational reason for most everything else in my present life. Even though Sam and I grew up together, our entire romantic relationship (and the several years preceding) was long-distance. We emailed back and forth sometimes, but being able to text each other full, instant conversations is what actually made us both realize how much we had in common and enjoyed each other’s company.

5. Started dating Sam (February 25, 2012)

I was barely eighteen and I look back like “What was I thinking getting into a serious relationship at that age?!” but God worked it out, as He always does.

6. Climbed Mount Adams (August 7, 2012)

This had been on my bucket list for quite awhile, and it still sticks out to me as something of a metaphor for what the next couple years of my life would hold. I learned to put one foot in front of the other and keep climbing, no matter how endless the snowface or how steep the drop.

7. Went to GCBI in Sebring, Florida (2012-2013)

Another of those events that split time for me: there is “before GCBI” and there is “after GCBI.” This was the first time I had ever lived away from my home and family in Washington, and I really had no ties in Florida to build on. It was a time of extreme stretching emotionally, socially, and mentally. I remember it now as the best and the hardest thing I have ever done. I came to know God and His Word that year in a way I didn’t realize was possible this side of glory, and that’s a gift I will eternally treasure.

8. Went through an eating/exercise disorder (2012-2013)

The Enemy opposition to my time in GCBI was some of the most brutal I have faced in my life, and some of it came in the form of what I can only describe as an addiction to self-destruction. Prodded by self-loathing and sustained by the sense of control I derived from it, I beat my body down with excessive exercise and minimal nutrition. I include this on the list because it, too, was used by God to transform my life in a beautiful way. When enough was enough, He allowed me to sustain an injury that prevented me from doing even the gentlest exercise. He broke the spirit of control I had cultivated and drew me back to Himself. I still can’t use any kind of food tracking or restriction in a healthy way, and so I live by the law of moderation and I choose to trust that He made my body good.

9. Wrote my first study of a Biblical passage (March 2013)

It took me a good six or seven months in Bible school to feel confident teaching a full Bible study. I started with part of a Psalm that mattered deeply to me while I was walking through my eating and exercise issues—Psalm 139. I still remember sending it to Kirsten, my dorm parent, for approval and asking, “Do you see any heresy in here?” (She said no.) If you’re curious, you can find it here. So began the next seven years (and hopefully more) of writing and sharing the Truth.

10. Studied abroad & got baptized in Israel (May 2013)

Studying the Bible under Pastor Randy for a year brought the Bible to life for me, but going to the Holy Land where it all took place painted it in color. We traveled from the Mediterranean coast to Mount Carmel and through the Galilee and Golan regions, and we spent time in the Judean Desert and Jerusalem. It seems strange and possibly cliche to say, but there is no better way I know to describe Israel than familiar. It felt very much like home, even though it is vastly different from anywhere I have ever been. I started planning my next trip before I even left.

11. Lived at home again (July 2013-February 2014)

I suppose this doesn’t seem like an event worthy of “most impactful of the decade,” but for me it was. These six months at home were both a discipline in surrender and a season to treasure. After so much time away, and with a wedding on the horizon, I relished every day with my sisters and my parents and our simple life; at the same time, it was a challenge to feel at peace in the quiet after a year of jetsetting and change. I have learned that for me, courage is to sit still, and obedience often looks like putting down roots when I’d rather be chasing some big mission around the world.

12. Married Sam (February 22, 2014)

We got dressed up with our friends and family, took portraits in the cemetery, worshiped Jesus together, said “I do,” walked back down the aisle to the Star Wars Throne Room Theme, ate ice cream sundaes, and drove off into the sunset as man and wife. I was never going to be the bride who saw her wedding day as magical or walked into marriage with rose-colored glasses, and both wedding and marriage have been far from perfect (sometimes not even pretty), but God has been in the midst of us always.

13. Read through the Bible in 180 days for the first time (January-June 2014)

I’ve read through the Bible in eight days before, so you wouldn’t think a 180-day readthrough would be the one to make the list, but it does because this challenge—run by my friend and mentor, Pastor Aaron—is what inspired me to start my own Bible180 Challenge a couple years later. Since then, hundreds of people have read through the Bible with me for the first six months of the year, and spending time with the full story of the Bible like this has greatly strengthened my faith and my relationship with God.

14. Started this blog (May 2016)

I really didn’t know what direction I wanted to go when I began creating this site nearly four years ago, but I knew I needed a place to share all that God was teaching me, and I needed it to feel like my own space. I had outgrown Blogger and it no longer felt like home. Though this is still a pretty modest space, I had no idea that Sehnsucht would grow so much, or that I would grow so much with it.

15. Camped & hiked in Banff, Alberta (June 2017)

I’m a hardcore homebody and lover of travel and adventure at the same time, so the actual getting out into the world can be hard, but once I’m there I never regret it. It’s hard to stay self-absorbed in my own little world of worries when I am standing under mountains as vast as these.

16. Spent a weekend in San Diego with my sister (August 2017)

Besides being one of the most hilarious and delightful weekends of my life, this trip is on the list because it showed me that I am braver than I think I am, and I can do more than I think I can do. Public transit and city bus routes in large metropolitan areas have always terrified me, and while we certainly didn’t have perfectly smooth sailing, we did manage to get everywhere we needed to go! (And we got to watch Arrogate race in the Pacific Classic, so there’s that!)

17. Grieved, feared, & doubted (2018)

The year 2018 was the kind of year that I’ll always remember shrouded in the darkness of heartbreak and grief. Everything turned upside down, almost from the moment the year began—I felt as if I didn’t recognize my own life anymore, and sometimes I wasn’t sure I knew myself or God either. But as sad and scary as it was, I am beginning to catch glimpses of the ways that God held me in His lovingkindness even when I doubted His very capacity to love me, and of the evidence that this testing will one day bring forth gold.

18. Created a devotional, released a study journal, and wrote a book on how to study the Bible (2018-2019)

Of all that the past decade has held, this is one of the things I am most proud of. I have been writing books and stories since I was ten years old, and now I have two books published and one that will (Lord willing) make its debut in the new decade. Bedrock, the book that has yet to be released, has been both passion project and labor of love—forty-something-thousand words on my favorite topic (how to study the Bible for yourself), plus thoughtful activities and study aids. I don’t know where God plans to use it, but if it helps just one or two hungry people learn how to feed themselves on the Truth, it is enough.

19. Returned to Israel (February 2019)

I can’t express what it meant to go back to Israel for the second time, six years after I was first there on my study tour with GCBI. More than that, to share the experience with my husband and my brother was unforgettable. We walked where Jesus walked, sailed the Sea of Galilee, floated the Dead Sea, explored the maze of Old City Jerusalem, and fell in love all over again with the Holy Land.

20. Started my new job at a local produce market (August 2019)

Maybe you noticed that my top 20 events of the last decade don’t include much in the way of graduations, higher education, degrees, or career. And that’s fitting. I am a lifelong learner who set aside the official title of “student” relatively early. I’m a creative and an innovator who decided to teach the Bible for free on the internet instead of go out and make a lot of money. I’ve had plenty of odd jobs here and there in the last ten years, but each one made me feel more and more like I didn’t belong in the world with everyone else… until now. I was probably more surprised than anyone when a part-time job in retail turned out to be one of the highlights of my year. I get to spend my days caring for fruits and vegetables, chatting with my coworkers about the least important things, and serving the public one five-minute interaction at a time—and for some mysterious reason, this introverted, anti-small-talk Bible nerd loves it.

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Happy New Decade!

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Rest assured, 2020 will bring many more lists to this blog. ;) How did God work in YOUR life in the last decade?

thoughts from a loud silence

I think I must confess the reason for my recent silence.

Some of you already know that longer gaps between blog posts usually mean that my brain has grown too loud for me to fully distinguish and organize my thoughts in the way that writing requires. I take these weeks of silence to reflect and try to give the noise its space by taking long walks in the fresh air and doing a lot of informal doodling, but often it takes weeks or months of this treatment before I can fully untangle all the different threads.

They’re still pretty tangled up right now, but one of them has begun to catch my attention.

I’ve found that it’s become harder for me to write about real-life struggles when I’m not confident that I can wrap them up in a pretty bow for you.

And so I err on the side of not writing at all - even though I’d like to - because silence seems more bearable than leaving you with a lament that I can’t genuinely end with a positive spin yet. Or worse, false joy.

But then I began reading a new book this week - Inside Out by Larry Crabbe - and this paragraph convicted me:

“Yet there is no escape from an aching soul, only denial of it. The promise of one day being with Jesus in a perfect world is the Christian’s only hope for complete relief. Until then, we either groan or pretend we don’t.”

My soul aches - it always has, and it always will. It is always throbbing a little (or a lot) in the void that, if we were still in Eden, the tangible presence of God would fill.

And so does yours.

Following this thread through the deafening silence of recent weeks has reminded me that not all pain can be wrapped up in a bow. Not every heart-wrenching lament is fully processed into holy surrender overnight. Sometimes we must come to God with the untempered groaning - sometimes we must honestly lay out the anguish with Him, and with each other.

We’re not where we belong. We’re not who we were made to be. We’re being made new, but the process is excruciating.

We can pretend none of this is true and live in denial of our pain - we can try to cover it with good deeds, more consistent devotions, the praise of others, or whatever our drug of choice may be - but it’s still there. We either feel it or we spend our lives putting on an act - and then still feel it, in the dark of alone when there’s no one nearby to use as a buffer.

What if we could all be honest about this? Imagine if we could admit to each other our disillusion with life without fearing that the response would be “You must need to spend more time with Jesus.” Imagine if we lived with the expectation that this life is, and should be, disillusioning, but that this very fact is what gives us such delight in the anticipation of the life to come:

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed in us. For the anxious longing of creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body.

Romans 8:18-23

I looked up that word, “groan,” in a Greek lexicon. It’s transliterated stenazo, and it means “to groan because of pressure of being exerted forward (like the forward pressure of childbirth).”

We are in pain, yes, but our pain is productive. It’s forward motion. It has a glorious reward, like the agony of birth.

It’s not meant to feel good yet, but it will.